Little bit surreal

Today I got the information about my radioiodine treatment and the other day I received a letter that had been CC'd to me, and contained all the information about my treatment up to this point. Before I went into hospital I received a letter like that as well and, I've got to say it's a little scary to see it written down as cold, hard facts.

The other day I was talking with my sister about how I'd been slightly in denial and wasn't really allowing myself to think about the enormity of the situation. She pointed out that maybe a little bit of denial is a good thing. If you're not at least a little bit in denial, how is your brain supposed to cope with the situation.

Every so often, usually at consultant appointments, I get stark reminders that I am being treated for cancer. Cancer. I'm working on another blog entry about the connotations of that word, but, that word is frightening. Not only that, but it was easier to deal with before my operation, when the problem was referred to as "several suspicious nodes". While I was in hospital however, and now that I'm out, these nodes are being referred as "tumours" or "cancer" (I feel like Dr. Evil). Each time that word is used, I feel like the doctor has slapped me in the face, and I need to second to compose myself.

I'd say 95% of the time, this whole thing just kind of washes over me. Which means that the other 5% of the time I'm like,"WAAAA WHAT IS MY LIFE ABOUT?!"

Would I call myself brave? I don't know. Maybe I just haven't fully comprehended the situation? Maybe our brains just don't allow us to fully comprehend something so mental? At least not all at once. Clever little brains!

I could never ignore this 100% because I'm always getting reminders in some shape or form. It's just so surreal that I haven't really grasped it. In fact, sometimes I could laugh out loud at how crazy it is! I almost feel like I'm outside of myself, just watching it happen. I relish those moments if I'm honest, because it's not fun when I realise what's really happening.

I really don't know if that's a healthy way of dealing with it, and frankly I don't care. I'm dealing with it the best I way know how. Which is mostly with sarcasm and humour!