Let's have a chat and an update

This might be a long one, I don't know. I'll just start typing and see what happens! I had a consultation appointment last week where they said that it mostly looks the same (not better, just the same) but there are some lymph nodes that look a bit bigger than they should be. Only like, two millimetres bigger and still under a centimetre, but they still want to check it. So I have to have an ultrasound, and if they see something they don't like on the ultrasound, then they will do a needle biopsy. I am okay with all of this. I mean, it's always slightly disappointing when the consultants say something other than,"You're all clear" but, that may take a while. For now, I will take,"It all looks the same, except for these slightly big lymph nodes" They don't seem concerned, it's all just a precaution. The thing that really got me was that the last time I had an ultrasound and biopsy, that was the day the doctor doing the ultrasound turned to me and told me it looked like cancer. The ultrasound will be done at the BRI, which is where they did it last time, and I'm just afraid it's going to bring back memories. The consultant at St. James did say I could do it there, but I had to concede that the BRI is closer and easier to get to. Besides, they might not even need to do a biopsy! I feel like I'm in a period of transition, as well as a period of dealing with a few things. I feel like I've got a phobia of moving on. An actual phobia! I had told myself that I would move on once I got the all clear, but I don't know when that will be. While it's all looking the same in there, it's seems now is good as time as any to try to work through some things. This phobia, a simmering anger and bitterness I have from feeling like I've been robbed of something (and probably left over anger from losing dad. I don't care if it was years ago. It still hurts) It's just got to go so I can live. I've got a dream now. A dream to hold on and be a guide for me, and I don't think I ever had that pre-illness. In other news, I am still on progesterone but having my doubts about it. It's sort of doing something, but I don't think "sort of" is good enough. I still bleed (although these days it's not a lot) and from time-to-time I feel some pain. My main complaint and criticism is that it really does a number on my hormones. OOOHH BOY does it mess with my hormones! Break outs, mouth ulcers (though that could also be attributed to some milk chocolate I had a about a week ago) and sadness. Oh, the sadness! It feels horrible. I think I'd like to try the injection though I don't know if that will be better. However I won't know unless I try! For one thing, it'd be easier to go get an injection once a month, instead taking yet another pill. I'm sure I'm overdue to see the gynaecologist actually, but I don't really know what to do about that. Just wait, I guess. Then I'll discuss it. SO those are all things a-happenin' currently! Er...See you in a few months?

2016 is here and this entry is going to be a long one!

Haven't blogged in while as there's not really been anything to report but now I do have some things to talk about. Quite a few things, in fact. That's right! It's time for some sub-headings! Endometriosis and progesterone: To be honest, I have been working on a whole post about endometriosis but it's been hard to articulate everything I want to say without it turning into a massive rant. I could do a bit of ranting, but I don't want the facts to get lost in all that ranting. I could try and do a condensed version here. The progesterone has taken a while to do anything. I am now getting what I have been calling,"phantom periods" where I don't bleed (and if I do, it's not enough to warrant actually using a sanitary towel or anything) but I do breakout in pimples, get some mouth ulcers and feel so, so sad! In a way it's frustrating because at first I could not identify why I was so sad. They'd been making my hormones go a bit crazy anyway. Feeling irritable and/or tearful at times. It means I've had to be careful about what I watch, read, listen to (though I wouldn't say I really listen to anything that would make angry) It means my judgement can be clouded and I have to give myself a while before making a sarcastic comment which might be a bit too bitey. I did by some Evening Primrose Oil with added Starflower Oil today and maybe that will help things. We'll wait and see! Last time I saw a gynaecologist, the progesterone was still taking a while to do anything and she was talking about putting me on the injection instead. I said I wanted to give it more time. Not because of any fear of needles (though I wouldn't say that I love a needle) it's just that I felt like it was doing something. Sometimes I think about the injection, but I'm just not sure. The really frustrating thing is that there are no perfect solutions. Except maybe a hysterectomy, but that is very drastic. Each different treatment comes with a new set of frustrations and side effect (for example, a hysterectomy will send you into nice little menopause!) I'm sure I've talked abut this, but it has affected my diet. In a good way, as it encourages me to try and eat more healthily. Recently I purchased a salted caramel brownie from a certain coffee shop and I didn't know what my body would do so I took it home. I don't want to be gross, so let's just say that taking it home was a very good idea! Dairy, any caffeinated beverage stronger than tea, and really sickly sweet baked goods are the things that tend to irritate my stomach. How do I know which sickly sweet things will irritate my stomach? Well, that's really a trial-by-error thing. Also irritating to my stomach are a particular brand of barbecue sauce, and a particular brand of bread. I hope there will be a solution for all of the endometriosis sufferers someday. Or for anyone suffering from what they call an "invisible illness". For now, I will quite happily talk about it! ********************************** My most recent consultation appointment: Sorry, I couldn't think of a snappier way to phrase that particular sub-heading. It was a couple of weeks ago now and was very productive. I hadn't been for months! I don't even remember the last time I went. Last time before my most recent appointment anyway. I'm sure the answer is in these blog entries somewhere, but it's not important. Anyway, because I hadn't been for months, I felt like I had forgotten how to do everything. It all came back to me when I got to the hospital, but before that I was just standing in the bus station thinking,"How do I get there, again?" I took a list of things I wanted to talk about and they all led to me having a lot of blood drawn, but at least she listened to me! She tested for anaemia but I think that will come up negative. She only wanted to test for that because I said I was still feeling tired, and before the progesterone started doing something my periods had been really heavy, and the combination of those things rang alarm bells for her. I would find a negative result just as annoying as a positive result, to be honest. Just in different ways. If I am anaemic, then that is ANOTHER thing. If it's negative, then it's just thyroid stuff making me tired, but nobody can tell me if the fatigue will be forever. No-one can tell me if the shoulder pain will be forever. That's the thing that bothers me most these days. I'm doing better than I was in 2013, but I'm tired of trying to plan a week based on what will make me tired. These activities which I'm stretching out through the week, I would have been able to fit into a day before I got ill. I hope that makes sense. I realise that feeling tired is all relative, but I do sometimes feel frustrated and bitter by the lack of energy. *********************************** 2016 goals I thought this year I keep the goals slightly vague. I want to take more opportunities and try to say yes to more things. Within reason anyway. I have to walk the line between "no that will make me feel tired" and "NO I CAN'T I'M SCARED!" Last week I joined a choir and had to really push myself to go. It ended up being really great (and will be a good challenge for me because I haven't been in a choir for AGES!) I am glad I pushed myself. It's about knowing my physical limits whilst not putting any mental limits on myself. I also want to be healthy. I feel like everyone says this at the beginning of 2016 because of all the indulging over Christmas, but for me it's mostly because I feel like in the past few years my body has been rebelling against me and I just feel like I'm not in control of it anymore. Some things I can't help myself with and need to rely on medication, but there are things I can do to help myself (which I've already mentioned. Like my diet and such) I do want to find a Pilates class and try to take more walks. Taking up running, or taking a dance class, seems like a bit too much at the moment so nice brisk walks will do for now! I am doing the Photo A Day project on Facebook and Instagram (you can go check it out on Instagram if you like! Search @dellingtonsdewhirst) This is helping me be present in my everyday life, and although every day in my life is not particularly interesting, I'm hoping this project will encourage me to do some fun and exciting things! A bit like the memory jar. This project is a bit harder because sometimes I forget to take a picture of the most interesting thing I did, and then I have to find something else that represents the day! I think once I get past the one month mark with it, I will know if I can carry on throughout the rest of the year. I'm trying really hard to move forward and it is still scary, but I'm taking small steps. If anything, I'm trying not to panic about the fact that I'm 29 this year, and compare myself to my peers. They have not been through the same things as me. *********************************** I think I'm done! Thank you for reading. I am sorry it has been so long. Sometimes I like to store things up and then spit them out all at once (ew. There was DEFINITELY a better way of phrasing that!) Hopefully it won't be as long next time but we never know!