MORE positive things!

As I type this, I have a headache. It is making me grumpy. I do not like feeling this way so I'm trying to remedy it by making a list of positive things. I might have already mentioned some of these, but it's okay. 1)I found a new voice coach. I am the fifth person she has met recently who has their thyroid yanked out so she knows how to help me. We are worked on getting into my "chest voice" which is basically just the lower end of my range. We're sort of enhancing, for lack of a better word, the lower end because the top end of my range is a bit quivery. (Apparently "quivery" is a word. Spellcheck likes it, but curiously does not like "endometriosis") 2)A lot of my friends and family are doing awesome things and having great opportunities come their way, and I just want to burst with pride! It is just so lovely to watch someone's dreams come true. To see their hard work pay off. To watch as that thing they've been longing for finally comes to them. 3)Mmmm, summertime! I just love it! I love these light evenings so much that I temporarily abandoned this blog to go sit outside, but quickly discovered that it is very windy outside and therefore much too chilly for any of that sitting outside business! On the plus side, the wind appears to have blown the headache out of my head! That's how it works, isn't it? **Science!** 4)I am not just learning what limits are when it comes to fatigue, I'm learning how to be okay with having limits. Yes, it's meant missing out on opportunities which can be disappointing. Most recently I've had to miss out on a voice workshop which I knew would have been great for me but too much for me to take on. There was also a picnic which I was supposed to go on with some friends. However on the morning of the picnic, I woke up later than I'd intended (I prefer to try and wake up naturally. I don't like being shocked awake by alarms) I knew that by the time I'd gone to the supermarket and got some food, got home and packed up everything I wanted to take, and made the journey down there, that I just wouldn't be in the mood for it anymore. When I was talking about this with a friend she said,"It's fine. We're not going to make you do something if you feel too tired!" That made me feel a lot better. I'm learning to make compromises. I'm learning how to be okay with turning things down. I'm learning how to be wise about making decisions. This whole experience has been the biggest learning curve ever, but I guess you don't come out of an experience without learning a few things. 5)I have thought a lot lately about what it means, for me, to beat cancer. I don't just want to be healed of the physical stuff, I want to be healed of the mental damage it's done to me. I have finished therapy now, but I have the tools to help me go forward, as well as a great support system of family and friends (who are pretty much extended family) If I really need to go back to therapy, I know how to go about it. I think that is all. I feel a bit less grumpy now!

Finally saw a gynaecologist!

I encourage you to have an celebratory dance party whilst you read this entry, because I finally saw a gynaecologist this week! I didn't see them at the time I was supposed to see them, and I still had a bit of a wait (take a book. Always take a book) However this time there was a delay of forty minutes or even two hours! The nurse came and got me from the waiting room, and then I did still have to wait a bit longer for the actual gynaecologist. When he finally came in he asked me a few general questions about the situation and my health. The annoying thing was that I had written down some things that I wanted to say but I had forgotten to bring it with me! I tried my best to remember, though. When he was done asking questions, he explained what exactly endometriosis is and all the treatment options. At some point he said,"It seems like you know quite a lot about this already" and I said,"Oh, yes. I have researched this heavily!" (In hindsight, I think I meant,"extensively" not "heavily" but never mind!) There are several different options. There's a surgery called a laporoptomy but that is not guaranteed to be successful. A hysterectomy is much too drastic given that I'm in my twenties. That leaves things like the injection, progesterone, and the contraceptive pill. Those three things each have their advantages and disadvantages, and it's up to me what I do now. That is daunting to be honest, as I was not given a choice with the thyroid cancer stuff. I needed surgery and radioiodine treatment and I need to be on the medication which I'm on to help my body compensate for the lack of a thyroid organ. I've been going on about wanting to have some control for ages, but now I'm being given I don't think I really want it! Not too much of it, anyway. I was saying a few moments ago that I want to choose one of the options and then have the doctor tell me whether or not that is the correct choice. The doctor pointed me towards a website that could help me. It's the website for the Royal College Of Gynaecologists, or something, and it's all sorts of useful information that can help me decide. The gynaecologist wants to see me in a couple of months time and we'll talk about whatever decision I've made. Nothing is finalised but things are on the way to being sorted. Nice and vague! That is my life right now!

That one word

PATIENCE. I've said before that it is my ONE WORD for the year. I often get very impatient with myself and the situation. "Why am I not better?", "Why can't I be in the same place as some of my peers?", "When do I get my life back?" These are just some of the thoughts that have entered my mind way too often. I get frustrated, but I try to remind myself that not everybody's life follows the same timeline. I do not always listen to my own words, though. "Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind" -- David G. Allen As I have said before, my ONE WORD for this year is patience and, boy, have I been learning a lot about that word this year. I have been learning that sometimes it is okay just to wait on something. Obviously it's a good idea to seek out opportunities rather than just expect them to come to you, but I have seen that sometimes things can eventually fall into place. There's been times when I've felt like I was struggling against the tide, but lately I've just realised that I don't need to. No good comes from struggling. When I was at university I watched Letters To Juliet with my housemates. To be honest, I thought the film itself was terrible, but it is set in various places in Italy, and I remember thinking,"This film is awful but Italy is beautiful!" From that point on, I really wanted to go there. In 2013 I was lying in a hospital bed watching Masterchef and the finalists had gone to Italy. I laid there wondering if I would ever get to go there. It seemed like a pretty out-of-reach dream at that point, and honestly it probably was. Last year, however my dream came true. Eventually it came true. Even when there was a month to go till the trip I was still having doubts but, I just needed to stop struggling. I know I have said before that hard work feels good, but there is a definite difference between working hard and struggling. (If you're taking a drink every time I use the word "struggling" in this post then I am not responsible for your liver or hangover) Similarly, my dream of going on the Harry Potter studio tour came true last week. We have been trying to go for ages now, but it has never worked out. It was just as amazing as I thought it would be! That's all I can say! I am back to having voice lessons. The place that I've started going to teaches a particular vocal technique and you can also learn it from them. Given that I do want to teach singing, and I'd like to do some voice coaching for cancer patients, simply because I think it'd be good people who've had throat, and lung, cancer. They're based out of both England and America, and then I started thinking,"Well, this could be my chance to go to America!" Then, I thought,"Woah, calm down. You've only had one session." Admittedly I've been getting a bit carried away with my things in my head, and racing ahead with possibilities. At least my brain is racing ahead with positive possibilities rather than negative ones! I do sometimes struggle with the way my life is at the moment. It is always in the back of my mind that my life is vastly different from the lives a lot of my peers have. If someone who doesn't see me very often asks me,"What are you doing with yourself these days?" I know that this is a perfectly innocent question, but I sort of feel defensive. I misinterpret it as,"Why aren't you getting on with your life?" The only reason I misinterpret this question is because it is a question I sometimes ask myself, so I am wrongly believing that others are thinking this about me. There are some things happening, it has just taken longer than I would have liked. That is just how life goes sometimes. It is a tough lesson to learn, but I am glad I am learning it. "Patience is a virtue" is a saying I've always known but never really thought about. I am starting to understand it now!