Being in battle

On Tuesday at the hospital, my friend (who drove me and my mum there) came into said hospital to "use the facilities" when an article on a noticeboard caught her eye. She asked the receptionist if she could have a photocopy of it in exchange for a donation.

The reason she wanted a copy of it, is because she thought I might be able to relate to the article, because is about a woman suffering from cancer and using humour as a coping mechanism-- something my friend thought I'd be able to relate to! 

I agreed with a few of her points, such as coping with the situation with lots of laughter and dark humour. She mentioned as well that you shouldn't tell someone how to feel, and that is actually something I can learn from. The amount of times I've told friends and family not to get upset about me having cancer! They can cry if they want to! She was also talking about all the exciting stuff she'd done. That got me thinking about how even though I've had to sacrifice a few things due to fatigue, I've made up for it with other opportunities. 

There was one thing I couldn't quite agree with her on. She writer of the article says that she does not like to think of it as battle, or a fight. I've heard someone else say this, too (that "someone" was actually a character in Emmerdale...Oh, shush!) I get it, but I do like to think of it as a battle. That's exactly how I like to think of it (along with the old hiking metaphor) because if the internet has taught us anything, it's that it is fun to anthropomorphise things. Usually for the internet, it's cats. For me it's cancer. It helps me to think of being in a battle with cancer, with an army of friends and family. That's the kind of thing that keeps me strong, I think. Feeling like I'm fighting something. It makes me powerful. 

Everyone's got their way of dealing with something, and I cannot say that the way she is doing is wrong, just like she could not say that the way I'm doing it is wrong. I do think, however, that cancer is a big scary beast that I need a lot of assistance in defeating! 

In the aftermath

I have had some time stew and sulk over my news yesterday. Today, I have some perspective. This time I can do things a bit differently (in fact, this afternoon I was wondering if I would even need pre-assessment since I've gone through it before. I probably will, but I'll check anyway) Last time, the radiation gave me really bad sickness and nausea, and the anti-sickness they gave me did not work. I suffered with it all day, till I realised in the evening that I shouldn't have to and asked for stronger anti-sickness medication.

Also, you can have this treatment done Thursday to Monday, or Monday to Thursday. Last year I did it Thursday to Monday, but I'm not sure I picked that...I think that was based on scheduling...I really don't remember! While Thursday to Monday is better for anyone who wants to visit but could only do it on a weekend. However, neither the consultant nor the specialist nurse are around at the weekend, so I think Monday to Thursday would be a better idea.

Last time, the DVD player didn't work, so I'm hoping they've fixed it now. Or got a new one. I found a very intriguing DVD in a cupboard in the room, it was a film starring Rob Lowe and Neil Patrick Harris, and I want to watch it!

There's a few more things I could list that I would want to do differently, but I think you get the idea! I'm still not happy that I have to go through with it (does anybody jump for joy at cancer treatment?) It's just not the big, unknown...monster that it was last time. Also, I know that they think this is the best course of action, and they're doing it because they don't want to put me through surgery or external radiotherapy. So thinking of it that way makes it a bit easier to come to terms with it. I can't escape this, but I can try to make things a bit easier for myself.

Summing up this morning in one word: UGH!

I should probably explain why that word sums up my morning. See, I went to see the consultant at St. James about having more radioiodine treatment. Now, when I read the letter which said I would be having more radioiodine treatment, I assumed that I would take the radioiodine and then go home. I made that assumption because I didn't think the dosage would be as huge as it was last June, and there'd be no need to stay in hospital. I'm not sure why I thought that, but I did. I was very wrong, indeed! 

The scans showed up some abnormal nodes, and the three options for fixing these abnormal nodes are: surgery, external radiotherapy, and radioiodine. Surgery is too risky, as it is right along a nerve and could damage my voice, and external radiotherapy has too many long-term side effects. So the only real option is radio The consultant explained it all really well, and I didn't come out of their feeling like I had even more questions like I have did when I spoke to that doctor on April 1st! It seemed much more organised this time. 

So I get why they want to do this particular treatment, I just don't want to go through with it. The specialist nurse took me to her office afterwards (she'd been sitting in on the consultation) and I just started crying. The nurse was very kind and understanding, and she tried to reassure me that things could be different this time around, because I know what to expect. I agreed, but I'm not frightened. Just fed up with it all. I feel like I'm working hard to get better, and I feel mostly okay, so why is it not over yet? I actually ended up going off on a massive tangent about all the health-related problems I've been having this summer, and she's referring me for counselling so I can offload on somebody else who's a bit more qualified to help me through it! 

I don't know when I'm going in for treatment. That hasn't been organised yet. They said mid-October, and I told them my birthday is early November so I really didn't want to have treatment then! I just hope they get back to me quickly with a date! 

Things that happened in the space of a few days

This could also be called,"Pesky Calcium: Part Whatever Number We're On Now" because it got too high this week! It's been a long time since that has happened. See, when I came back from Italy I had a blood test to check my calcium, and the results for that were 2.33. This is is fine, but because my body struggles to regulate calcium, I knew it would just keep climbing. So when I was feeling nauseated last week, I thought to myself,"This is a calcium thing" and arranged a blood test. I got the results the next day, and just as I thought, the levels were too high. I'm now on a lower dosage of both my calcium medications (I take slightly less calcichews, yay!) I'm due back in next week for another blood test to see if it's come down. The nausea has passed though, so that's good.

It just ruined most of my plans. It was particularly bad on Saturday, when I had been planning to go to an open day for a local community choir, but I just couldn't do it. Mind you, it was raining that day, and I had forgotten what time the event started, so I suppose it was just as well that I didn't feel like going. Then I started to get worried that I would miss my friend's gig on the Sunday evening, but thankfully I felt much better on Sunday.

As for the ongoing saga on the PET scan, I actually got some answers! I received a letter from the consultant at St. James's, which said that she wanted me to come in on the 23rd of this month to discuss the results. I wanted to be relieved by that, but instead I still felt a bit frustrated. I would still have to wait to find out exactly what was going on! On Saturday however, I received another letter from that same consultant, who said that she felt that more radioiodine was the best course of action, and that is what she wanted on to discuss at this appointment. That letter made me feel a bit better, and like I finally knew what was going on. I just feel like I have found out everything in drips and drabs. At least some of the mystery's been taken out of it, and I'm thankful that I have the specialist nurse on my side who will go do some detective work for me and find out what is going on.

So I feel like a lot has happened over the course of a few days. Even though some plans were scuppered (new favourite word) I still got to see my friend's gig, and I don't need surgery! That, and my appetite has come roaring back! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to celebrate these little victories with some cereal.

Just some things

Still haven't heard about my PET results. The nurse was away last week, and when I spoke to her on Monday, she said that the consultant might be away this week. According to my records, though, there's nothing urgent. That's great, but I'd still like to know exactly what is going on so I can get on with my life! I suppose it can't be helped if she's away, though. 

My sugar strike is going okay. However, it is making me quite conscious of how much salt I'm consuming. It's a bit hard to get the balance right. Or maybe I'm just over-thinking things, as usual. I have got to stop doing that!

 Cutting out caffeine is proving difficult. I'm down to one cup of tea a day, but I'm sort of afraid to let go of that one cup! That, and my friend was drinking a Pepsi the other day, and I almost asked for a sip, just because I felt like I could taste it. Slippery slope, though. I probably would have stolen it off her, and drank the whole thing!

I haven't had any grand epiphanies, but I guess I've had a few small ones. Most of them have been about needing to step up and take care of myself. I have pretty rubbish immunity. It's nothing to do with the treatment I had, as radioiodine does not affect the white cell count. That means that there's steps I need to be taking to improve my immunity, which means stocking up on vitamins and such! 

I am feeling quite reflective, as I do when we move into a new season. When I think about this summer, it has sort of been a blur of waiting rooms, scans, and blood tests. That gets me down, till I remember that I still had some good times, including my Italian adventure! Also, compared to last summer there was minimal vomiting, which is always a result! 

Even though I am still fighting fatigue (no idea if that will ever stop being a problem) and even though I still don't know whether or not I'll need to go back into hospital, I'm trying my hardest to not let it stop me doing stuff. There's quite a few things happening over the next few weeks, and I'm hoping I can do as much as possible!