Veering slightly off-topic for this entry (only slightly), I'm going to take the opportunity to tell you about a lady named Michele, and how I became one of her belles.
Michele is the sister-in-law of two of my friends and last year she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Earlier this year, she was told that it was untreatable. This hasn't stopped her living life to the full, and being her usual giggly self! I have been in awe, frankly, of how she is facing this. Her bravery inspires me to be stronger. On bad days I think of Michele, and everything she's done in the past few months, and I know I can keep going.
Cancer has a lot of power. Too much power, in fact, and it's easy to feel helpless at times. If the internet has taught us anything, though, it's that it is fun to anthropomorphise things! So what better way to get some power back than to imagine yourself actually chasing after cancer like you're part of some angry mob? This is what my friends and I are doing this summer. We're teaming up with Michele, and becoming her Belles for the Race For Life! (The 5k, in case you're wondering. 5k at a nice, brisk walking pace, thankyouverymuch)
Of course, at this point I'm going to ask you to sponsor us. You get to help fundraise, but you don't even have to leave your house (though I do recommend going outside occasionally) Here is the link for sponsorship (as well as more information on the incredible lady that is Michele!)
http://www.justgiving.com/micheles-belles We're really close to our goal, but we'd love to absolutely smash that target and fight the evil git that is cancer!
Sunday 27 April 2014
Tuesday 22 April 2014
One year on...
Today is a year since my operation. Even though the dates of some things last year are still a bit fuzzy (because of all that snow, and the fact that April turned into May whilst I was in hospital and I never really knew what day it was) this date is one I do remember. Last week I was thinking about it, and while I won't be having a party to commemorate it, I did think a blog entry about the things that have changed in this period of time.
Really, the biggest things I've learned is to trust my body, and I've said this time and time again. I try not to be repetitive with these entries, but before all this I was pretty stubborn about going to the doctor for any health worries. First of all, it can be very difficult to even get an appointment in the first place. Then when I get there, I find it hard to explain what is wrong! There are times when I have thought to myself,"Oh, why didn't I just go to the doctor when I first discovered a lump in my neck?" I just didn't find the lump all it's own to be particularly worrying at the time! It wasn't till I discovered more than one lump, and realised the exhaustion I was feeling was disproportionate to the amount of activity I'd done that day, that I realised something wasn't right. That was the first moment that I realised I should start trusting my body.
I think the second time was during summer when my calcium levels were too high and I was nauseated nearly all the time! When the nausea first started I couldn't pinpoint the reason for it. Then, I started to wonder if is was all calcium-related. My suspicions were right, and the nausea was caused by too much calcium in my system. The nausea was horrible, though. It was unpredictable, it stopped me from doing things, it affected my appetite (that was the worst part, I think!) My appetite is back to normal, now, and now my calcium levels keep being too low rather than too high. That isn't much better, to be honest, but I think it is easier to control and keep an eye on.
The endocrinologists look after me now and I have a really good relationship with them. I find them easy to talk to, and the best part is, when I was having a calcium dip a couple of months ago, one of the senior nurses asked me what I wanted to do. It was really refreshing to have her say that to me. Of course, the thing I really want to do is never take calcichews again, ever, but I know this is not an option, and that suggestion would have been laughed at!
Moving away from the subject of calcium, I have been also thinking about life now, compared to life pre-diagnosis. Probably not a thread I should be pulling at, but I've been feeling pretty reflective lately. I finished university in 2011 and it has been so hard to adjust to post-uni life. Before I finished, somebody told me that the race I was running was my race, and I wasn't to pay attention to the races people were running around me. I did not heed this advice though, and ALL I could think about was other people's lives (my peers, specifically) and how much better they appeared to be doing. I started to doubt myself, and question whether or not I'd wasted my time at university. At no point did I congratulate myself on getting a 2:2 even though I was grieving for my dad. All I could think was,"When's it my turn?" Things started to pick up early last year, so to get that diagnosis just knocked me sideways. When I walked into that consultation office earlier this month, expecting good news but instead being told the results were inconclusive, I was so disappointed. I was disappointed because I thought getting the all-clear that day would be some ultimate victory. I would have won something for once! The more I thought about it, the more I realised that that news was not final. Sure it's annoying to have to keep being tested, and keep waiting, but that doesn't mean that a "victory" can't still come along. I've got to get myself out of that headspace, anyway. Life is far too big and abstract, too full of twists and turns. Sometimes you'll feel like you're winning, and sometimes you'll feel like you can't stop losing. It's why in this past year I've tried to celebrate the little victories. Even when I've felt like I was losing, I've tried to find little victories in it. You have to, or you'll go crazy!
Who can tell where I would be if all this hadn't happened? Maybe working. Maybe still looking for a job. Sometimes I have grieved for the life I didn't get to live while I was being treated for, and recovering from cancer. To me, it started to feel a bit pointless to do that, because I had no idea what else I would have been doing! Now, I'm just moving onwards and upwards!
Really, the biggest things I've learned is to trust my body, and I've said this time and time again. I try not to be repetitive with these entries, but before all this I was pretty stubborn about going to the doctor for any health worries. First of all, it can be very difficult to even get an appointment in the first place. Then when I get there, I find it hard to explain what is wrong! There are times when I have thought to myself,"Oh, why didn't I just go to the doctor when I first discovered a lump in my neck?" I just didn't find the lump all it's own to be particularly worrying at the time! It wasn't till I discovered more than one lump, and realised the exhaustion I was feeling was disproportionate to the amount of activity I'd done that day, that I realised something wasn't right. That was the first moment that I realised I should start trusting my body.
I think the second time was during summer when my calcium levels were too high and I was nauseated nearly all the time! When the nausea first started I couldn't pinpoint the reason for it. Then, I started to wonder if is was all calcium-related. My suspicions were right, and the nausea was caused by too much calcium in my system. The nausea was horrible, though. It was unpredictable, it stopped me from doing things, it affected my appetite (that was the worst part, I think!) My appetite is back to normal, now, and now my calcium levels keep being too low rather than too high. That isn't much better, to be honest, but I think it is easier to control and keep an eye on.
The endocrinologists look after me now and I have a really good relationship with them. I find them easy to talk to, and the best part is, when I was having a calcium dip a couple of months ago, one of the senior nurses asked me what I wanted to do. It was really refreshing to have her say that to me. Of course, the thing I really want to do is never take calcichews again, ever, but I know this is not an option, and that suggestion would have been laughed at!
Moving away from the subject of calcium, I have been also thinking about life now, compared to life pre-diagnosis. Probably not a thread I should be pulling at, but I've been feeling pretty reflective lately. I finished university in 2011 and it has been so hard to adjust to post-uni life. Before I finished, somebody told me that the race I was running was my race, and I wasn't to pay attention to the races people were running around me. I did not heed this advice though, and ALL I could think about was other people's lives (my peers, specifically) and how much better they appeared to be doing. I started to doubt myself, and question whether or not I'd wasted my time at university. At no point did I congratulate myself on getting a 2:2 even though I was grieving for my dad. All I could think was,"When's it my turn?" Things started to pick up early last year, so to get that diagnosis just knocked me sideways. When I walked into that consultation office earlier this month, expecting good news but instead being told the results were inconclusive, I was so disappointed. I was disappointed because I thought getting the all-clear that day would be some ultimate victory. I would have won something for once! The more I thought about it, the more I realised that that news was not final. Sure it's annoying to have to keep being tested, and keep waiting, but that doesn't mean that a "victory" can't still come along. I've got to get myself out of that headspace, anyway. Life is far too big and abstract, too full of twists and turns. Sometimes you'll feel like you're winning, and sometimes you'll feel like you can't stop losing. It's why in this past year I've tried to celebrate the little victories. Even when I've felt like I was losing, I've tried to find little victories in it. You have to, or you'll go crazy!
Who can tell where I would be if all this hadn't happened? Maybe working. Maybe still looking for a job. Sometimes I have grieved for the life I didn't get to live while I was being treated for, and recovering from cancer. To me, it started to feel a bit pointless to do that, because I had no idea what else I would have been doing! Now, I'm just moving onwards and upwards!
Thursday 17 April 2014
Physiotherapy
I had my second session today. He asked me if I was doing any better, but I just said I felt like it was too early to tell (he agreed, thankfully) I am much better than I was, though. I know that, because when I first came out of hospital I couldn't wash my hair on my own, get dressed on my own, or even put a coat on my own! I can do these things now...Well, I need a bit of a rest when I wash my hair, but I can do it! I just need to loosen up my muscles now.
The first session was just seeing what I could and could not do, and then he gave me some exercises. Today however, he had me lay face down on the examination table, and he pressed down on my neck, shoulders, and back, so he could get a real idea of the extent of the stiffness in my muscles. It hurt on my neck and shoulders, he was really pressing down hard! Parts of my back, neck, and shoulders were a bit tender. Also, I am ticklish (this information is not to be used against me, thank you) so there were times when I flinched because of that, rather than any pain!
He is quite a nice man, and I guess that that is good, because if I thought he was mean, then I would resent him for making me ache so much!
My iffy shoulders and neck, my calcium levels, and my fatigue, are the main things that bother me. The fatigue I cannot really control. Well, I can to a certain extent (such as listening to my body, and resting whenever I feel the fatigue setting in) However, I feel like the situation with my shoulders and neck, is something I can take control of with the physiotherapy. I feel like it puts me back in control of the situation, and could be the catalyst for me getting back into work (though, given that I haven't been given the all-clear yet, working is still a long way off and I am getting ahead of myself!) It's just that so much of this entire situation has been out of my control, that it's just nice to feel like I have some control somewhere. (Yes, I know I have said "control" a lot in this entry. It's the banner word, I think!)
The first session was just seeing what I could and could not do, and then he gave me some exercises. Today however, he had me lay face down on the examination table, and he pressed down on my neck, shoulders, and back, so he could get a real idea of the extent of the stiffness in my muscles. It hurt on my neck and shoulders, he was really pressing down hard! Parts of my back, neck, and shoulders were a bit tender. Also, I am ticklish (this information is not to be used against me, thank you) so there were times when I flinched because of that, rather than any pain!
He is quite a nice man, and I guess that that is good, because if I thought he was mean, then I would resent him for making me ache so much!
My iffy shoulders and neck, my calcium levels, and my fatigue, are the main things that bother me. The fatigue I cannot really control. Well, I can to a certain extent (such as listening to my body, and resting whenever I feel the fatigue setting in) However, I feel like the situation with my shoulders and neck, is something I can take control of with the physiotherapy. I feel like it puts me back in control of the situation, and could be the catalyst for me getting back into work (though, given that I haven't been given the all-clear yet, working is still a long way off and I am getting ahead of myself!) It's just that so much of this entire situation has been out of my control, that it's just nice to feel like I have some control somewhere. (Yes, I know I have said "control" a lot in this entry. It's the banner word, I think!)
Thursday 10 April 2014
Little update
Last week the thyroid nurse rang me to ask if I had any questions about my results, so I took the opportunity to ask for more information about this thyroglobulin business. She explained that the reason they need to do an MRI is because the radioiodine scan cannot tell us why there is thyroglobulin, whereas an MRI can. She went on to explain that sometimes thyroglobulin can go away it's own, and it would be great if that could happen! The other possible outcome is that it is a node that the surgery AND radioiodine didn't quite get before. If it is a node, its clearly resistant to the radioiodine, so I might have to have MORE surgery to get it out. Something which I really don't want to go through again! We don't really know what is happening for sure, so I'm trying not think about all the What Ifs too much. I'll go crazy if I do.
What else? Oh, I FINALLY saw a physiotherapist. Had my first appointment last week and he gave me a few exercises to do. All in all it went okay. I just find it very difficult to explain exactly how I'm feeling, to any sort of medical professional. This is problematic when you're trying to get the help you need!
Calcium is still an annoying thing in my life. I am on six calcichews a day right now (adorable name for a horrible supplement!) Despite this, I am still having tingly feelings. I remain convinced that low immunity affects, but when I mention it to any of the endocrine staff, or any of the thyroid specialists, they say they've never heard of that happening. I think I need to get some chewy vitamins again, and down some Berocca, just to keep the immunity up! I am still having weekly blood tests, but my go-to vein appears to be packing in, now. It's getting fed up of these blood tests. I know how you feel, vein. I know how you feel.
So, nothing is really new. I wanted to do an update anyway, though, just to get all these new developments in one place!
Tuesday 1 April 2014
It's complicated
So, today was the big day. The day I would receive the results of my scan. I was pretty nervous, and couldn't really think of anything else but this appointment. I wanted it to be good news though, so that maybe it could all be over and I could just get on with lighting a bunch of pyrotechnics and having a celebration. The news that I got, was not bad news, but like I said, it's complicated.
So, there were no tumours found as far as I know, and the consultant today felt my neck and said she could not feel anything. However, she said that blood tests showed that I had high levels of thyroglobulin. Now, I did not what this was, and the consultant didn't really explain it properly (do they ever?) Mum did a quick Google when we got home, though, and discovered that where there's thyroglobulin, there's thyroid cells, which I should no longer have (cancerous or otherwise). They don't seem too worried, though (and I'm not either, really) but they want to do an MRI just to be on the safe side. I'm fine with this, I want them to be sure it's all gone before they tell me it is. My main issue, is that I have to wait till July for the results. JULY!
I came out feeling a bit deflated. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to come home and have a whole day of spreading the good news around. Instead, I've been starting conversations with,"Weeell..." and attempting to explain what is going on. Needless to say I have been sulking all day. Gradually accepting things, but sulking quite a lot as well.
I guess I wanted it to be over mostly so that I could get on with life, but I still can. Just a bit of a slower pace than I would like to be going. I really do have to be patient with myself, and easy on myself, because so much has happened and there's still more to come. The worst thing I could do is become a grumpy hermit who never does anything. It would be so easy to do that, but I'm fighting against it, and trying to find things to look forward to! Tomorrow is a new day, and I will be formulating a plan of things I can do to get back to normal (whatever the heck that is).
So, there were no tumours found as far as I know, and the consultant today felt my neck and said she could not feel anything. However, she said that blood tests showed that I had high levels of thyroglobulin. Now, I did not what this was, and the consultant didn't really explain it properly (do they ever?) Mum did a quick Google when we got home, though, and discovered that where there's thyroglobulin, there's thyroid cells, which I should no longer have (cancerous or otherwise). They don't seem too worried, though (and I'm not either, really) but they want to do an MRI just to be on the safe side. I'm fine with this, I want them to be sure it's all gone before they tell me it is. My main issue, is that I have to wait till July for the results. JULY!
I came out feeling a bit deflated. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to come home and have a whole day of spreading the good news around. Instead, I've been starting conversations with,"Weeell..." and attempting to explain what is going on. Needless to say I have been sulking all day. Gradually accepting things, but sulking quite a lot as well.
I guess I wanted it to be over mostly so that I could get on with life, but I still can. Just a bit of a slower pace than I would like to be going. I really do have to be patient with myself, and easy on myself, because so much has happened and there's still more to come. The worst thing I could do is become a grumpy hermit who never does anything. It would be so easy to do that, but I'm fighting against it, and trying to find things to look forward to! Tomorrow is a new day, and I will be formulating a plan of things I can do to get back to normal (whatever the heck that is).
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