Let's have a chat and an update

This might be a long one, I don't know. I'll just start typing and see what happens! I had a consultation appointment last week where they said that it mostly looks the same (not better, just the same) but there are some lymph nodes that look a bit bigger than they should be. Only like, two millimetres bigger and still under a centimetre, but they still want to check it. So I have to have an ultrasound, and if they see something they don't like on the ultrasound, then they will do a needle biopsy. I am okay with all of this. I mean, it's always slightly disappointing when the consultants say something other than,"You're all clear" but, that may take a while. For now, I will take,"It all looks the same, except for these slightly big lymph nodes" They don't seem concerned, it's all just a precaution. The thing that really got me was that the last time I had an ultrasound and biopsy, that was the day the doctor doing the ultrasound turned to me and told me it looked like cancer. The ultrasound will be done at the BRI, which is where they did it last time, and I'm just afraid it's going to bring back memories. The consultant at St. James did say I could do it there, but I had to concede that the BRI is closer and easier to get to. Besides, they might not even need to do a biopsy! I feel like I'm in a period of transition, as well as a period of dealing with a few things. I feel like I've got a phobia of moving on. An actual phobia! I had told myself that I would move on once I got the all clear, but I don't know when that will be. While it's all looking the same in there, it's seems now is good as time as any to try to work through some things. This phobia, a simmering anger and bitterness I have from feeling like I've been robbed of something (and probably left over anger from losing dad. I don't care if it was years ago. It still hurts) It's just got to go so I can live. I've got a dream now. A dream to hold on and be a guide for me, and I don't think I ever had that pre-illness. In other news, I am still on progesterone but having my doubts about it. It's sort of doing something, but I don't think "sort of" is good enough. I still bleed (although these days it's not a lot) and from time-to-time I feel some pain. My main complaint and criticism is that it really does a number on my hormones. OOOHH BOY does it mess with my hormones! Break outs, mouth ulcers (though that could also be attributed to some milk chocolate I had a about a week ago) and sadness. Oh, the sadness! It feels horrible. I think I'd like to try the injection though I don't know if that will be better. However I won't know unless I try! For one thing, it'd be easier to go get an injection once a month, instead taking yet another pill. I'm sure I'm overdue to see the gynaecologist actually, but I don't really know what to do about that. Just wait, I guess. Then I'll discuss it. SO those are all things a-happenin' currently! Er...See you in a few months?