The operation

I realised the other day that I have never actually talked about this. (It might get gross. Warning you now)

I have been thinking about it a lot lately. When I look back on it, I'm not sure I have ever been so nervous. When we got to the hospital, it all started to happen so fast. In a way I was grateful for it, but I also wanted to shout,"STOP! Just stop a second!" I was just confronted with everything all at once, and I didn't really have time to absorb it all. Perhaps that was a good thing? Whilst I was in hospital, I watched a couple of other patients wait almost all morning to be taken down to theatre, and in a way, that made me thankful that I  had not had to wait very long.

I arrived, and a nurse asked me some questions and gave me my anti-embollism stockings and hospital gown (which, I'm happy to report, did not have a butt gap in!) Then I met the anaesthetist and the consultants. I just kind of nodded as the consultants were talking. Like I said, I wasn't really absorbing anything, and I'd had the procedure explained to me a few times before. The anaesthetist was really nice and very matter-of-fact.

Next thing I knew, a nurse came to walk me down to theatre (why is it called that?) where I got ready to be anaesthetised. Now, whenever I talked about my operation with people, before the event, two people told me they loved the feeling of "going under" and one told me that they hate it. Their reason for that, they said, is because they have no control over the situation. At the time, this sort of rang alarm bells, because you all know how much I hate when I can't control something! *glares at flush on toilet*

Turns out, though, going under was quite a pleasant sensation! I lay there with a mask on my face, grinning inanely and enjoying the swirly whirly sensation of going under. Waking up, however, turned out to be worse for me!

They'd told me that to bring me round, they simply reverse the process of the anaesthetic. I had no idea what that meant, or how they would do that, so I didn't know what to expect. I guess I thought somebody would be gently tapping my face and saying,"Adele, wake up..." or something like that. Instead, I opened my eyes to find myself in a different room with people bustling around me, and I just flipped out!

I'm a little bit embarrassed about the way I reacted to be honest. I just felt so sick, and I didn't know where I was. I hadn't even had any crazy anaesthetic-induced dreams! All I knew was that I had felt a swirly whirly sensation, and then the next thing, people are attaching oxygen masks to me (which I took off, because it made me feel claustrophobic. They put tube things in my nose instead). I was vaguely aware that some time had passed, though.

For the next 24 hours, everything felt strange and dream-like. I wondered what I must look like, but did not want to see my reflection (though according to one nurse, I needed some blusher!) I actually tried to avoid seeing my reflection for a few days. It wasn't till Saturday that I forced myself to look at it (and I'd had the operation on a Monday).

I'm not sure there's really any way to mentally prepare yourself for something like this. You just face it head on, I guess. It is frightening to put all your trust in medical staff for a few hours of your life, especially for an operation as major as the one I had! I didn't really have a choice, though. If you are about to go through similar, then I hope I didn't scare you! You'll be fine!

Meh

I don't want to be down. I don't. Fact is though, it's been kind of a blah week. I have done most of the things I wanted to do but haven't really been successful with them.

That, and everything kind of hit me this week. When I was in the midst of treatment I guess I just didn't absorb it. Now that I have had time to reflect on it, it's kind of hitting me. Hitting me and making me sad. As well as just not absorbing it, I think I didn't allow myself to feel sad, because it wasn't really severe or life-threatening (though it did get very scary a few times).

There have been some good parts, though! I guess if this week has taught me anything, it's that I shouldn't deny how I'm really feeling, nor should I force for myself to feel positive if that's not truly how I'm feeling. It's not healthy to wear a mask. It'll all burst out of you eventually, anyway!

I think my advice would be to:

 1)let it out if you want to cry 

 2)Talk to someone about it (I plan on calling someone from Macmillan on Monday

 3)Never tell yourself that can't be upset. You have the right to feel something!

 4)Go outside! Get some fresh air and/or interact with people! Staying inside won't do you any good!

You don't have to be brave all the time, and it's okay to feel! 

So what happens now?

Well, I have been neglecting this! I just simply haven't known what to write. Or I have, but haven't known where to start.

You see, I would never want to lie on here, and pretend that everything is okay. I mean what is the point of a blog if you're not going to be honest? So, the honest truth is that I've been feeling kind of down. I know! I should be running through the streets, stopping only to karate kick the air! I just don't really know what to do with myself.

Not that I want to go back to hospital, or anything like that. I think it's just going back to feeling institutionalised in some way. My life for the past three months has consisted of pre-assessments, blood tests, and hospital stays. I still have to have the odd follow-up appointment, but other than that, it's done. Now what do I do? What do I do with my life now that I don't have to think about packing for the hospital and stuff like that?

The answer is simple, really: I get off my bum and figure out what I'm going to do in this coming week. There's so much I've been putting off but now I can get on with it. So, here's what I want to try and accomplish this week:

Exercising a little bit everyday-- Like walking a short distance. Anything else is rough on my shoulders for some reason.

Contact Butterfly--No, I can't speak to insects. (Imagine if I could, though!) Butterfly is the name of a thyroid cancer foundation, and they have a buddy system where they you put you in contact with someone who's had thyroid cancer. I'd rather be a buddy than have a buddy, so I'm going to call them and find out how I can help.

Do some more writing--I got asked if I want to write an article for a magazine called The Plain Truth. I have a copy, so I'm going to read it and see what kinds of articles are in it, usually. Then, I'll start brainstorming ideas. (I have a few. They just need arranging into something coherent and readable.)

Try to have a social life-- I still have to take it easy, but I really want to hang out with my friends again. I will let them talk, rather than me talking about vomiting all the time.

Get a bit of organisation going--I am not good at this, but the sight of my bedroom floor is distressing me, so a Sort Out is called for!

Call my voice coach--Not sure if I am ready to go yet, but I feel like I owe her an update.

To be fair, this could be condensed into one day. However, I'm very good at sitting around in pyjamas! I will keep you updated, and this entry will hold me accountable!

Onwards and upwards! Clothes, not pyjamas! (Ooh that felt weird to say...) Let's go drink lattes!

I'm back!

That was not a particularly bad experience! The worst parts were the nausea, and the shower that got ridiculously hot with no way of controlling the temperature. Oh, and the DVD player didn't work. Other than that, it was absolutely fine.

Fine is really the only adjective I can think of to describe it. It was pretty uneventful so, there's no stories of ordeals or anything.

It was kind of awkward that people had to stay behind a line whenever they came in the room. Well, it wasn't particularly awkward with the nurses and other members of staff, it's just that I couldn't hug my mum or anyone else who came to visit. I almost wanted to tell people not to bother, but I know I would have been very lonely, and it would have increased my chances of getting verbal diarrhoea when I finally got out!

The thing I was dreading the most was the scan on the last day, which they said could take up to an hour. I just kept picturing an MRI scan, and I felt like being in one of those for an hour would be hellish! It turned out that it was more like a CT scan, and the time was broken up by being moved around, so that the camera could scan different parts of my body. In the end, the worst part was when my nose started to itch and I could not move my arms to scratch it! The good news is, I don't have to avoid crowded places, pregnant women, or children!

I got taken home by one of those ambulance transport people, and I waited ALL morning for them! Fortunately, it was not too boring. I met two people who were going in for the radioiodine treatment, so we chatted about that and I gave them the skinny on what it was like. Funnily enough, one of them had been at the BRI around the same time as me (but had had an easier time of things) and I'm surprised I never saw her!  It was good to chat to people though, and swap stories and such.

So, world, I'm out and about! Watch out!

well here are again!

Going to the hospital tomorrow! Yet again, it is the night before I still haven't packed! It's mixture of procrastination and avoidance probably. I just hate packing as well. I'm probably about to overpack for the hospital! That's new!

You see, anxiety manifests itself in different ways for me. Instead of being anxious about the actual thing, my brain finds things related to it to be worried about.

There's nothing really to be worried about, though. I can deal with needles now (a bit. I'd flinch if I was watching someone else get an injection) and then it's just swallowing a pill!

Also, when I woke up this morning my shoulders felt a lot less stiff and lot less sore. So much so that I carried and cuddled my niece a LOT earlier! I'll probably be paying for that tomorrow, but I have plenty of time to rest! That, and I just can't resist picking her up and cuddling her! Anyway, now I have more mobility, it's going to make this whole thing a bit easier. Up till now, I've had to be assisted in washing and dressing. It wasn't fun, but it was necessary. Now I'm a bit better so no-one will have to risk becoming radioactive just to help me wash!

It's almost over. Except for follow up appointments but, other than that, all my treatment is nearly done! Soon this will be a story that I tell in social situations, bringing the conversation to a grinding halt and creating an awkward silence!

I will see you again when I am less radioactive!

GOAL!

I'm not the most goal-orientated person. I never really have been. Recently I have been getting better at it through encouragement from some people but, I would hardly call myself goal-orientated.

The thing is, in my last year of university I did have a loose life plan (that, looking back, seems both doable and laughable) but then my dad died, and I just got into this mindset that goal-making is pointless because life can change in an instant.

I didn't become some kind of motivated, spontaneous type, though. I just...couldn't find it in me to take much control of my life because I just thought it was pointless to make life goals...and I didn't even know what my life goals were anymore!

Like I said, a couple of people have been encouraging me to think about goals, and what I would really like to be doing. It was going really well, then this happened. I really, really don't want to feel bitter but, I won't lie, a part of me is thinking,"Told you so!"

I've had a lot of time to think about my life, though. Maybe too much time. I'm about to get a lot more time, too. Once this is all over, I can get back on with life. No, I will not immediately become a female Gareth Malone like I wanted to (my left vocal chord got damaged in surgery), but there's other stuff I could do! For instance, this writing malarky is really fun and I would like to do more with that! I still want to try some amateur dramatics (even though I sort of do that every day) . Going through this has made me feel pretty darn fearless. Also, I made a resolution to say "yes" more often, so I need to follow through with that, and stop hesitating when presented with an opportunity.

Yes, June came around very quickly, but it's still only June. The year is still stretching out ahead of me, and, on New Year's Eve I want to look back and say,"Look at all the stuff I did!"

When I am in isolation, I will be making a list. Not a Bucket List. More of a Get On With It list! Maybe I will post it here, to come back to and remind myself! Watch this space!