Here we go!

Well, the hospital appointment is tomorrow and well, I'm not exactly jumping for joy. I mean, yesterday I was acting like I'd been given two days left to live! I'm taking it a bit at a time though, and I've just got to grow some lady balls and face my fears!

I am so thankful for all the lovely people in my life, though. I have been blown away by the kindness of friends and strangers who have done anything from saying kind things to lending me books, to giving me gifts (like tiny, cardboard versions of actors I fancy).  People are good. They just are.

As I type this, I have not packed. I hate packing. This is like packing for the worst holiday ever! Really all I need are pyjamas, toiletries and ALL THE BOOKS! If I'm honest, I'm partially avoiding packing because then it will feel real, but Monday will get here no matter what I do. Let's just take it a bit at a time.

I will have internet access there (I think) so I'll try to hopefully keep up with this. Maybe not Monday or Tuesday because I'll be semi-conscious and won't be able to concentrate on typing!

See you on the other side of the anaesthetic!

The difference a good night's sleep makes!

I woke up feeling much brighter today! Tired, but brighter. For when I came downstairs there was a package for me! Some of my lovely friends had sent me a new dressing gown and some slippers! What a beautiful surprise for me to wake up to!

Also, Julie did indeed bring me David Tennant! Except that this one is tiny and made of cardboard and I can KISS IT AT NIGHT BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP!!! What? He's coming to the hospital to watch over me!

In the spirit of positivity, here are some other nice things that have happened this week!

1) Having a nice pot of tea and a chat with my friend Natalie on Monday! She surprised with a secondhand copy of my favourite Harry Potter book that I can take with me when I go for my radiation treatment. That way, if I do have to get rid of it when I finish the treatment, it wouldn't be as bad as if I had to get rid of my original copy.

2)The pre-op went much better than I thought it would (and when I say that, I mean no needles were involved)

3)Making a new friend! A lovely girl named Rachel, who, it turns out, I have quite a few things in common with!

4)Lovely presents from lovely friends!

5)A nice catch-up Pizza Hut with my friend Becky!

I'm tired, but at least I don't hate all the things this evening!

It has been one of those days

Where the slightest thing has annoyed me and spiralled from there. It can only mean that this situation IS getting to me and manifesting itself in different ways.

One of the things really upsetting me about this hospital stay (apart from the obvious), is that I will miss my friend Brandi's wedding reception. I have been looking forward to this for so long! I'm already sad that I will not get to see her or my friends who I haven't seen in so long but today, I had to cancel my train tickets and I  basically have to jump through hoops to do it! I'm struggling to do it online, and when I rang the call centre they wanted me to send the tickets back with a covering letter and a doctor's note. I guess I'm okay with the covering letter but I don't want to send a doctor's note. I understand that there's a procedure and all that but,  I'm just uncomfortable. If I couldn't go because there had been a death in the family and they wanted a death certificate, I'd be uncomfortable with that as well.

It may seem small, but it's getting to me more than it should because I'm on edge about what I'm about to go through. For the most part I'm positive but I'm also scared. I won't be okay till I wake up from the operation! It's just really on my mind, so I don't want extra stress with stupid stuff like trying to get a refund on some train tickets!

I didn't sleep well last night, which never helps. I think once I've had a good night's sleep I will have a fresh perspective on things. That and at least two fun things will happen tomorrow: 1)getting my haircut finally and 2)my friend Julie is bringing me a present! Hopefully it's David Tennant but let's face it, if she acquired David Tennant, she'd keep him for herself!

I did intend for a much happier entry today but, I did not wake up in that kind of mood! I have allowed myself to cry, be upset, rant and now I can move on!

The pre op assessment

WAS BORING! Boring but somewhat informative. I had my height and weight measured, blood pressure tested and urine tested. Then I was asked a ton of questions about my health. I got to ask some questions, too. I'm still nervous but, they said that was normal.

 They showed me around the ward, and that's when reality really set in. Next Monday evening, I will be lying in one of those beds. The ward consists of little rooms with 1, 2 or 4 beds in. It's mixed, but men share rooms with other men and the women share rooms with other women. It's just surreal that I will be one of those people next week.

Oh, can we please talk about how complicated it is to give a urine sample if you're female? It's like the only time I've had penis envy. Good job Freud isn't here to see this.

I know that I just have to take this a bit at a time. It's just that it still seems like it's so far away and it's not! It's next Monday! I won't feel better till it's all over and done with...When I can say that I'm survivor!

I'm coming for you, cancer.

Hospitals

I go for my pre-op assessment tomorrow. I assume they'll ask me about my family's medical history and at some point, even more blood will be drawn!

This operation feels like it's coming towards me like a freight train right now, though! I think the anticipation is making me more nervous...Maybe. I've never had am operation before, or had to stay in hospital. I have been to hospital before. Once when I swallowed a penny when I was like, four years-old. Then again when a brick fell on my thumb. I didn't have to have surgery or stay overnight on either of these occasions, so I have no idea what I should expect (although according to some people, I should be expecting boredom and dry food). I have to go through with it, though. As much as I would like to say,"Thanks for the offer but I think I'll be okay. I'll just take some ibuprofen and sleep it off!" The only way to get rid of this thing, is to literally get rid of it. They have to take it out.

I just don't like hospitals. I don't know anyone who does! However, once you get past the anxiety of what you're facing, and the funny smell, hospitals are boring. They are boring places, full of waiting rooms with bored people in them. There's no-one running around yelling,"GET ME A BLAHBLAHBLAH!! STAT!!", at least not the times I've been there. It's more,"Nurse can you pass me the thingy?" "Have you seen Dr. Whatsit?" "Mr. Blahblahthingamy, the doctor will see you now!" It's only four or five days of boredom though. I guess I can cope with that!

My GP has been great, the consultants I've met so far have been great, and those nurses are ANGELS! One consultant told me I have a lovely neck, which was a bit weird. Two different nurses have told me I have juicy veins. Despite the fact that the staff sometimes sound a bit vampiric, I really do trust them. They've been anxious to get things moving, helpfully answered my questions, been honest with the results and even shown me my MRI and my CT scan! Being able to trust the staff, makes me feel just a little bit more at ease.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go think of some questions and memorise my family's medical history!

Aftershock:the physical and emotional effects.

It's safe to say that I was very upset. Distraught might be a better word. Life just carried on around me though. As mum and I sat crying in the waiting room, patients were called in for their appointments, other patients were wheeled in and out, a student nurse brought me some water and then went back to what he was doing. I just wanted to shout,"CAN EVERYONE JUST STOP FOR TWO SECONDS PLEASE?!"

To be honest, there have been more emotional effects than physical effects. As far as physical effects go, I'm tired and occasionally my neck twinges a bit. The thing about being tired is, I don't know if I'm suddenly really tired, or if I'm just noticing it more. Also, I sometimes feel like being tired is just written off as an excuse. It's not just being "a little bit tired" though. Too much activity can really knock me out! I was in town for a few hours last week and was basically knocked out for the rest of the evening! It's very frustrating.

The emotional effects range from angry to sad, to feeling very inconvenienced by this whole thing. The other day, someone asked me if I was sleeping okay. I replied that I am sleeping through the night (unless my bladder or a weird dream wakes me up), but I had noticed that my mattress protector had pinged off, my sheets were messed up, as was my duvet. I may not be having nightmares, but evidently I am tossing and turning a lot!

 I usually start feeling sad when I have too much time to think about it all. When my thoughts start circling around. It is okay to be sad, though. I'm mostly positive but it does get to me occasionally, and I allow myself to be sad and seek comfort from family and friends. Luckily I have a great support network and I am thankful for it!

Anger was my initial reaction. I blamed everybody I could think of. Including the doctor who performed the endoscopy and told me he didn't think it was cancer. To be fair though, he did not look me in the eye and definitively say that I don't have cancer. He just thought that based on the fact that I'm young, relatively healthy and not a smoker, I probably don't have cancer! After that I just blamed myself, and wondered where I had gone wrong. The thing is, sometimes you can just be plain unlucky. You could exist on a diet rich in antioxidant foods, drink loads of green tea, and cross the road to avoid secondhand smoke. If you did all that and STILL get cancer, then it's like,"What happened? I'm doing all the things!" Obviously, it is important to try and live a healthy lifestyle, but if you do and you still get cancer, just don't blame yourself. Sometimes, you can just be ridiculously unlucky.

Then there's the frustration. Things would annoy me slightly before, have become intensely annoying since being diagnosed. For instance, the other day the flush on our toilet stopped working. What did I do? I cried. I cried because it was yet another thing in my life that I couldn't fix myself. I couldn't make it go away easily.

I'm naturally a positive person though, and I won't let this turn me into a bitter, angry person who hates life. I don't hate life. I hate cancer. So I'm going to beat it!

Pandora's Neck: the intro!

Welcome! You have stumbled upon my blog (actually you’re probably here because you’re my mum and I’m making you read it. Hi mum!) . So, my name is Adele and was diagnosed with thyroid cancer last month. This blog is a place for me to rant about my feelings and tell you the story of how I came to be diagnosed with this, and what treatment I’ll be receiving.

A few months ago, I discovered a lump in my neck, but at the time I thought nothing of it. Then I started noticing that I was sniffly and tired all the time. After some unwise “googling” of my symptoms, I managed to convince myself that I had ME and that is the reason why I went to a doctor. When I was there, I casually mentioned the lump and “another weird lumpy bit” as I called it. The doctor felt my neck and told me it was a thyroid problem. I guess that explained the tiredness, but at the time I could not have predicted it would be cancer (and if I had, I would have dismissed it as being a hypochondriac).

Since that appointment I have had my blood drawn three times, an MRI scan, a CT scan, two ultrasounds, an endoscopy of my throat via my nose, and three “needle aspirations” (they stuck a needle right in my neck and drained some gunk out.  They need to not use jargon in appointment letters, am I right?) At my second ultrasound, the doctor sighed heavily, and told me that I had a lot of nodes, and while some were fine, some looked suspicious and he was afraid it was cancer. He then stuck two needles in my neck!

Fortunately, it’s completely treatable. I have to have an operation and radiation iodine treatment. In the operation, they will take out the thyroid AND the nodes (including the benign ones, just in case). However, because your thyroid is attached to your vocal chords, they might not get all out of it. Actually, I think that they don’t get all of it on purpose in case they damage your vocal chords (and I love talking and singing so that would not be ideal), so the radiation treatment is to kill the rest of the thyroid cells. Then I’ll be on hormone replacement for the rest of my life, which I can deal with.

The fact that it is treatable however, is little consolation for how rubbish this situation is! “CANCER” is kind of a swear word in my family, because we lost my dad to it in March 2011. We will always associate March with cancer now, and it just kind of brings back all the memories of when my dad was in hospital. It’s crazy to think that this word is yet again. being associated with me, but on a much more personal level. Cancer is sitting pretty and twiddling it’s thumbs inside my poor neck!

I’ve decided to create something positive out of this though, and here we are at Pandora’s Neck. A place for me to rant about STUPID CANCER, and to talk about how treatment is going (which will just be me whining about how bored I am and how great PJs are). Also, if your life has been touched (punched) by cancer, then this will be a place where you can come, and know that you’re not alone. It helps me to know that I’m not alone in this, and there’s people I can talk to and share this with. By making this blog, I feel like I’m paying it forward, and let someone know that they’re not alone. Let them know that if they feel like they are, they can read about this person in the internet, and even talk to me about it.

I hope you enjoy this blog (and that my obsession with parenthesis hasn’t put you off!)