I was out and about yesterday! Actually, I've been out and about a few times, but yesterday's excursion in the town was the longest I have been out for!
I also went to a friend's birthday party last Saturday, but I kind of had to be talked into going by my sister-in-law. Don't be offended, friend of mine, if you're reading this! I'd just become a bit of a hermit. (In fact, sometimes when I'm sat in this particular armchair, I feel like a little bit Rear Window!) It was hermitage on the point of agoraphobia!
I think I'd just got used to being indoors. My shoulders still hurt, so I don't want to be too far from a comfy chair. I feel like public transport would super uncomfortable (not to mention that I don't even know what the bus fare is anymore!) and even if I could drive, I'm not sure I am in a fit state to do so. Oh, and it rains sometimes, and who wants to go out it in the gross weather?
After my friend's party though, I decided that getting out and about was good for me, and if my shoulders started to hurt, well that is what paracetamol is for!
So, my sister and I went into town yesterday. I'll be honest, it was a little overwhelming, and there were times when all I could do was sit and stare at everyone and everything! We took it easy though and I know my limits, so I knew when to call it a day and go home.
It is still a bit frustrating though, because I got very achy and weary yesterday. To the point where I just had to have a little cry and a lie down. I guess that, even though I know my limits, I'm a little bit impatient with myself. I want to do more, but I can't just yet.
I still want to try getting out and about as much as possible. No more hermitage for me! It really wasn't a bad trip to town, either! My financial situation is not as bad as I thought it was (checking your bank balance is always frightening) and I got some new make up!
Now if you'll excuse me, sunshine is calling me!
Friday, 31 May 2013
Wednesday, 29 May 2013
St. James is a lovely place!
The next stage of my treatment is rearing is radioactive head! Today I visited St. James to have my pre-assessment and see the room I'll be staying in.
It couldn't be more different to the hospital where I had my operation! I mean, that hospital could really take a leaf out of this hospital's book! The staff were so polite, friendly, and well-informed. The building is beautiful. At one point my sister said she couldn't believe it was an NHS hospital!
It was still kind of boring though. Same old stuff. Form filling out and whatnot. I did have to swab my groin, though, which was...new. The nurse doing my pre-assessment turned around so I don't even know if I did it right...ANYway, let's move on!
This part of the treatment is less of an ordeal and less scary than the operation. The operation felt like it was coming towards me like a freight train, whereas this is coming towards like a different thing. Something a bit nicer. A puppy? No, that's too nice...This isn't as scary, let's just say that!
It's crazy though. They bring me the capsule in a lead case. I drop the capsule from some tube thing into my mouth. My sister pointed out that it's a bit weird that no-one can touch it but I can ingest it!
Visiting is very restricted, and the amount of time visitors can spend with me is dependent on how much radiation. So, on the first day, visitors might be only able to spend 20 minutes with me. The same thing kind of applies when I come out. I'll have to be in isolation for a while, but how long for is dependent on how much radiation is still in my system. So while I'm at hospital, I have to shower twice a day and pee a lot, and if getting to spend more than half an hour with someone is dependent on how much radiation is in my system, then that is a good incentive to pee a lot!
The only possible side effects are a queasy feeling and some swelling and tightness in my throat, and I would take that over calcium crashes and vomiting everyday!
I just want to get it over with and do it, because once this is all over and done with, I feel like I can relax and start getting on with life!
It couldn't be more different to the hospital where I had my operation! I mean, that hospital could really take a leaf out of this hospital's book! The staff were so polite, friendly, and well-informed. The building is beautiful. At one point my sister said she couldn't believe it was an NHS hospital!
It was still kind of boring though. Same old stuff. Form filling out and whatnot. I did have to swab my groin, though, which was...new. The nurse doing my pre-assessment turned around so I don't even know if I did it right...ANYway, let's move on!
This part of the treatment is less of an ordeal and less scary than the operation. The operation felt like it was coming towards me like a freight train, whereas this is coming towards like a different thing. Something a bit nicer. A puppy? No, that's too nice...This isn't as scary, let's just say that!
It's crazy though. They bring me the capsule in a lead case. I drop the capsule from some tube thing into my mouth. My sister pointed out that it's a bit weird that no-one can touch it but I can ingest it!
Visiting is very restricted, and the amount of time visitors can spend with me is dependent on how much radiation. So, on the first day, visitors might be only able to spend 20 minutes with me. The same thing kind of applies when I come out. I'll have to be in isolation for a while, but how long for is dependent on how much radiation is still in my system. So while I'm at hospital, I have to shower twice a day and pee a lot, and if getting to spend more than half an hour with someone is dependent on how much radiation is in my system, then that is a good incentive to pee a lot!
The only possible side effects are a queasy feeling and some swelling and tightness in my throat, and I would take that over calcium crashes and vomiting everyday!
I just want to get it over with and do it, because once this is all over and done with, I feel like I can relax and start getting on with life!
Sunday, 26 May 2013
Weirdly excited
I'm in a good mood this evening! Possibly because the sun is shining and it's been a warm weekend! I've also just realised that this whole radioiodine isolation thing might be so bad after all.
Why? Well, the room I'll be in has a TV in, an en-suite bathroom, a kettle, and a fridge! So, it is like a hotel room, and if there is one I thing I love, it is a hotel room. Mostly I love a hotel room BECAUSE of the fact that there's a kettle in there, and when I'm in my morning stupor, it's just easier when I don't have to walk very far to make a tea.
The fridge I'm excited because it means I can have a load of Innocent juice and vanilla cokes in there. I have to drink a lot in order to pee out all the excess radiation so I might as well drink stuff I like, right?
There's a DVD player in there, too, but given that I might have to put some stuff away for a while because they might have traces of radiation on them, taking in my favourite DVDs in seems pointless.
(There's an exercise bike in there, too. Will I get that bored, though?)
So, there we go. I choose to treat this experience as some kind of holiday. In between now and then though, I have to have a boring pre-assessment, MORE blood tests, and a couple of injections. Then I GET TO HAVE A KETTLE IN MY ROOM!
Okay, I'm really tired and I haven't really spoken to anyone today which is probably why this got weird...Goodnight!
Friday, 24 May 2013
Little bit surreal
Today I got the information about my radioiodine treatment and the other day I received a letter that had been CC'd to me, and contained all the information about my treatment up to this point. Before I went into hospital I received a letter like that as well and, I've got to say it's a little scary to see it written down as cold, hard facts.
The other day I was talking with my sister about how I'd been slightly in denial and wasn't really allowing myself to think about the enormity of the situation. She pointed out that maybe a little bit of denial is a good thing. If you're not at least a little bit in denial, how is your brain supposed to cope with the situation.
Every so often, usually at consultant appointments, I get stark reminders that I am being treated for cancer. Cancer. I'm working on another blog entry about the connotations of that word, but, that word is frightening. Not only that, but it was easier to deal with before my operation, when the problem was referred to as "several suspicious nodes". While I was in hospital however, and now that I'm out, these nodes are being referred as "tumours" or "cancer" (I feel like Dr. Evil). Each time that word is used, I feel like the doctor has slapped me in the face, and I need to second to compose myself.
I'd say 95% of the time, this whole thing just kind of washes over me. Which means that the other 5% of the time I'm like,"WAAAA WHAT IS MY LIFE ABOUT?!"
Would I call myself brave? I don't know. Maybe I just haven't fully comprehended the situation? Maybe our brains just don't allow us to fully comprehend something so mental? At least not all at once. Clever little brains!
I could never ignore this 100% because I'm always getting reminders in some shape or form. It's just so surreal that I haven't really grasped it. In fact, sometimes I could laugh out loud at how crazy it is! I almost feel like I'm outside of myself, just watching it happen. I relish those moments if I'm honest, because it's not fun when I realise what's really happening.
I really don't know if that's a healthy way of dealing with it, and frankly I don't care. I'm dealing with it the best I way know how. Which is mostly with sarcasm and humour!
The other day I was talking with my sister about how I'd been slightly in denial and wasn't really allowing myself to think about the enormity of the situation. She pointed out that maybe a little bit of denial is a good thing. If you're not at least a little bit in denial, how is your brain supposed to cope with the situation.
Every so often, usually at consultant appointments, I get stark reminders that I am being treated for cancer. Cancer. I'm working on another blog entry about the connotations of that word, but, that word is frightening. Not only that, but it was easier to deal with before my operation, when the problem was referred to as "several suspicious nodes". While I was in hospital however, and now that I'm out, these nodes are being referred as "tumours" or "cancer" (I feel like Dr. Evil). Each time that word is used, I feel like the doctor has slapped me in the face, and I need to second to compose myself.
I'd say 95% of the time, this whole thing just kind of washes over me. Which means that the other 5% of the time I'm like,"WAAAA WHAT IS MY LIFE ABOUT?!"
Would I call myself brave? I don't know. Maybe I just haven't fully comprehended the situation? Maybe our brains just don't allow us to fully comprehend something so mental? At least not all at once. Clever little brains!
I could never ignore this 100% because I'm always getting reminders in some shape or form. It's just so surreal that I haven't really grasped it. In fact, sometimes I could laugh out loud at how crazy it is! I almost feel like I'm outside of myself, just watching it happen. I relish those moments if I'm honest, because it's not fun when I realise what's really happening.
I really don't know if that's a healthy way of dealing with it, and frankly I don't care. I'm dealing with it the best I way know how. Which is mostly with sarcasm and humour!
Wednesday, 22 May 2013
Looking forward
I have to go in for radioiodine treatment in a couple of weeks time. This involves me being in radiation in hospital, and then being isolated for a couple of weeks afterwards at home (just because I have to avoid pregnant women and children under 16. Just in case).
This gives me a chance to sort out a few things around the house. Like, organising my drawers (*snorts*), organising my toiletries and make up (*snorts...at any attempt at organisation*). Once I'm allowed to be around other people again, there's some other things I'd like to do!
For instance I'd like to go on some day trips, because Ilkley and Harrogate look like lovely places!
I might revamp my make-up collection and give myself a nice little Spring/Summer makeover!
My sister is getting married so I'm looking forward to the wedding and hen do.
The Lion King is apparently coming to Bradford so I would like to see that if I can!
So, that is my summertime to do list (let's be real, the stuff to do with organising my life might not happen) I may add more, but for now this gives me something to think about when I'm avoiding people!
Tuesday, 21 May 2013
Hard work feels good
Today, during a train of thought, I was thinking about how I would like to go on a hike when all this treatment malarky is over. This led me to thinking about hiking in my summer camp days.
It was hard work, and I never did it without thinking a LOT of negative thoughts and having a lot of internal grumbling about it. When we got to the top though, it was all worth it! I got a real sense of accomplishment, and a lot of satisfaction. (Not to mention the joy of taking in the view!) I would be exhausted, but it was a satisfied kind of exhaustion that can only come from putting in a lot of effort. (Oh, and this one time, on the way back down, it started raining. My friend Laura and I just started running through it and yelling at the top of our lungs. Pure joy and very liberating! That has nothing to do with this. I just like the memory)
If we're using this hiking analogy, then I am not even at the top of this hill. If anything, I'm sort of mid-way, eating a pack lunch and wondering how long it's going to take to get to the top. Knowing that there's still a long way to go that's probably going to be tough.
The goal with the literal hill, was to get to the top of it. So we had no choice but to climb it. The goal with my metaphorical hill is to beat it. So I have to go through the treatments.
My literal hiking experiences were not always fun or easy, but fun to conquer. This metaphorical hiking has definitely not been fun or easy, but I know I will feel immense satisfaction when it's all over. I will come back down that hill yelling and running! I will feel good, because I put in a lot of hard work and effort.
It was hard work, and I never did it without thinking a LOT of negative thoughts and having a lot of internal grumbling about it. When we got to the top though, it was all worth it! I got a real sense of accomplishment, and a lot of satisfaction. (Not to mention the joy of taking in the view!) I would be exhausted, but it was a satisfied kind of exhaustion that can only come from putting in a lot of effort. (Oh, and this one time, on the way back down, it started raining. My friend Laura and I just started running through it and yelling at the top of our lungs. Pure joy and very liberating! That has nothing to do with this. I just like the memory)
If we're using this hiking analogy, then I am not even at the top of this hill. If anything, I'm sort of mid-way, eating a pack lunch and wondering how long it's going to take to get to the top. Knowing that there's still a long way to go that's probably going to be tough.
The goal with the literal hill, was to get to the top of it. So we had no choice but to climb it. The goal with my metaphorical hill is to beat it. So I have to go through the treatments.
My literal hiking experiences were not always fun or easy, but fun to conquer. This metaphorical hiking has definitely not been fun or easy, but I know I will feel immense satisfaction when it's all over. I will come back down that hill yelling and running! I will feel good, because I put in a lot of hard work and effort.
Monday, 20 May 2013
The new normal
That's the second time I've named a blog entry after a TV show. Hopefully I won't do one called Have I Got News For You. If I do one called Skins, then assume I've become a psychopath and call the police okay? Okay.
One day in the hospital I started crying because I wanted things to just be normal again. I wanted to be in my pyjamas, in my own bed, drinking tea out of my Simpsons mug. What didn't occur to me at the time was that my life was taking on a new definition of normal.
I'd been in hospital for so long at that point, that it was becoming normal! The next day, my sister brought me my Simpsons mug and put a cup of tea in it that she'd bought in the hospital cafe. Don't get me wrong, I really did appreciate the gesture and if that mug hadn't had tea in it, I would have cradled it like a child. Something felt a little bit weird though. It was like I'd got used to drinking tea out of the NHS mugs. Drinking from my Simpsons mug felt a bit surreal.
I've previously mentioned about how I think you can become institutionalised in hospital, and I did. To the point where, even though having to come back in was incredibly annoying and upsetting for me, I don't mind saying that part of me was kind of relieved. Some of the staff would say,"Oh, hello Adele! Are you back?" I was nearly like,"Yes! Yes I am! How have you been? What's the gossip?" That soon wore off though, and I wanted to come home again.
I was there for so long that I'd simply got comfortable with the routine. This had become my definition of normal. I knew when I would be brought medication, I knew when I would be given my main meals, I knew when I would be offered a cup of tea. I'd got to a point where I was chatting to the some of the staff like we were old friends! Once I started getting better, it was like being on a rubbish holiday.
Even now that I am out of hospital, I have a new definition of normal. Taking medication is now a normal part of my life. The scar on my neck is normal now. I am adjusting, because I have to. Eventually I will stopped being surprised by seeing my scar in my reflection. Eventually will take my medication without thinking about it (it's doubtful that I will stop whining about a certain calcium supplement though.) Hopefully I will adjust to this new lifestyle as quickly as I adjusted to being in hospital!
This, whether I like it or not, is my new normal.
One day in the hospital I started crying because I wanted things to just be normal again. I wanted to be in my pyjamas, in my own bed, drinking tea out of my Simpsons mug. What didn't occur to me at the time was that my life was taking on a new definition of normal.
I'd been in hospital for so long at that point, that it was becoming normal! The next day, my sister brought me my Simpsons mug and put a cup of tea in it that she'd bought in the hospital cafe. Don't get me wrong, I really did appreciate the gesture and if that mug hadn't had tea in it, I would have cradled it like a child. Something felt a little bit weird though. It was like I'd got used to drinking tea out of the NHS mugs. Drinking from my Simpsons mug felt a bit surreal.
I've previously mentioned about how I think you can become institutionalised in hospital, and I did. To the point where, even though having to come back in was incredibly annoying and upsetting for me, I don't mind saying that part of me was kind of relieved. Some of the staff would say,"Oh, hello Adele! Are you back?" I was nearly like,"Yes! Yes I am! How have you been? What's the gossip?" That soon wore off though, and I wanted to come home again.
I was there for so long that I'd simply got comfortable with the routine. This had become my definition of normal. I knew when I would be brought medication, I knew when I would be given my main meals, I knew when I would be offered a cup of tea. I'd got to a point where I was chatting to the some of the staff like we were old friends! Once I started getting better, it was like being on a rubbish holiday.
Even now that I am out of hospital, I have a new definition of normal. Taking medication is now a normal part of my life. The scar on my neck is normal now. I am adjusting, because I have to. Eventually I will stopped being surprised by seeing my scar in my reflection. Eventually will take my medication without thinking about it (it's doubtful that I will stop whining about a certain calcium supplement though.) Hopefully I will adjust to this new lifestyle as quickly as I adjusted to being in hospital!
This, whether I like it or not, is my new normal.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)