I have had a desire to go to Italy for years now. It's always been a dream destination for me. I didn't really care where in Italy I went, just wanted to experience that culture. This past week, that dream came true! I managed to get to Abruzzo with my sister, brother-in-law, and mother.
We'd been planning this trip for months. In fact, I think we probably started planning around this time last year, maybe? However, in the three months leading up to it, we were worried it would never happen. IT was pretty touch and go for a while. At one point, my sister and I were talking about what would have happened if I wasn't able to go and I said that although I would have still told them they could go without me, I would never want to them speak of it around me!
Of course, it wasn't without a few problems. When we arrived, we went to a supermarket next door, and at the point I was feeling slightly dehydrated, tired (we'd been awake since 3.30am) and walking and standing around in the supermarket, I very nearly fainted. There were also some problems with pacing myself, too. I just got so excited to explore that I would just rush ahead of my family, not remembering how tired I can get. Though I must say that these days, I can hold on much longer before fatigue sets in!
So, I did have a few issues with fatigue...Which were my own fault, really. Have I not learned? It did not stop me from enjoying myself. We were able to have experiences, evenly spaced out with naps! This trip was just what I needed. I thought I was going to go crazy if I didn't get a holiday soon. I've been on trips, of course, but I was actively doing stuff on those trips. There was lots of activity, which I did enjoy, but this holiday I truly relaxed. One evening, I was sitting on the couch in the villa, and at first I thought that what I was feeling was just weariness. Then I realised that it wasn't weariness at all. I was relaxed. Completely and utterly relaxed. I didn't allow myself to think about cancer, or any of my health problems. It was just about experiencing something new. I feel like my health is always on my mind somehow. Constantly thinking about hospital appointments, outcomes of scans and tests, blood tests, how to space out my medication during the day. It can get in the way a lot. I did not think about these things while I was away, though (except for my medication. Still had to think about spacing that out) I just tried lived in the moment, for once!
I did contemplate some things. Like changes to my diet, thinking about going back to counselling, wanting to brush up on music theory so I can be a better singing teacher one day. My mind felt clearer, so I think that led to decision making.
I did realise that I am quite an anxious person. Actually I have known this for a while, but I stopped seeing it as a huge flaw, and thought about how to overcome it. I have heard of "going to a happy place" as a mechanism, which I have always found a bit cheesy, but maybe it's not a bad idea? The villa we stayed at had a pool, and just sitting in that pool was so peaceful, and I just enjoyed that moment. That may be my happy place. I think I'll call it my "peaceful place" though, as that sounds a bit less cheesy to me.
I am back in England now, and appointments are once again on the horizon. They're a little easier to face now that I've had the holiday I was so desperate for. In the next couple of weeks I will hopefully get the results of my PET scan. They're having a big old meeting with different medical professionals, and the consultant wants to pass around my scan so they can double check the results. Yes, it's taking ages. No, I don't know why. I have, however, made my peace with the idea of going back into hospital. I still wish this was over, but whenever I get upset about that, I will just go to my peaceful place!
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