Happenings of late

I feel like I only ever write update posts nowadays, but sometimes it is best to just let things accumulate (I managed to spell that word correctly!)

 Scans
I had a CT scan a couple of weeks ago (I think it was a couple of weeks ago. I've lost track a bit) That scan was to check the status of a very tiny nodule in my chest. The scan was very quick. When it was done I thought,"Oh, is that it?" It was around 5 minutes, I would say. They did it on a Monday evening, at Leeds General Infirmary rather than St. James. I don't know why they sent me there but It was fine. When we got there the waiting room was empty so I didn't wait long at all. In fact, I would guess that the whole experience took 15-20 minutes. Just a rough estimate.

 Saturday morning I went for an MRI in the usual place (I don't really know why they did it on a Saturday morning. I just know that the scans needed to be done within a certain amount of time) Before I went for this scan, I made two decisions. The first decision was that I would not take any music to listen to whilst I was being scanned. I could have, and I did last time, but you can't hear it. I think they think it drowns out the noise of the scan, but actually the noise of the scan drowns out the music you've brought with you! Or maybe they allow it because they think it'll put you at ease, but it doesn't because the music is being drowned out by the machine! The other decision I made, the morning of the scan, was to stay in pyjamas for it. It was a Saturday morning, I couldn't wear anything metal (which mostly rules out bras and jeans) I wanted to be comfortable...Pyjamas seemed like the most logical option!

 I felt a bit strange when I came out the MRI. I think it was disappointment? I'm not sure. It was just strange this time because it was so different to the last MRI I had at this particular hospital. Last time, they put this thing on my chest to kind of, hold me still. This time they didn't and I got a bit twitchy. My legs twitched a bit. One of my hands was twitchy. I kept getting itches I couldn't scratch. Well, I had to will myself not to scratch because I needed to be as still as possible. They put a head frame on me like they last time, but last time the head frame had these mirrors in which meant I could see my feet. On Saturday however, that particular head frame, did not have mirrors in. I was fine, but that might have been because I've had an MRI before. They gave me headphones, which lessened the noise of the scan a bit. It was all just very uncomfortable, and I was glad to get out of there, and I would like to not have to do that again for a while! Definitely a wise choice to wear my pyjamas, though, and I would recommend you do the same if you ever have to go for a scan!

Music team:
I had approached the leader of my church's music team a couple of years ago, but after I got ill it got put on the back burner. Actually, it basically got forgotten about for a while. Then when I started thinking about it again, I just felt like it wasn't possible. Standing for long periods of time tends to hurt my shoulders. As well as that, practice sessions tend to take place in an evening, and I was worried I would not have the energy for it. A friend asked me why I wasn't on the team, and I thought about that question a lot. She kept encouraging me and then I eventually went to speak to the team leader again, and then went to a few rehearsals. Now I make sure I have enough energy for the practice in the evening (I did have to lean against a friend the other night, but most of the time I am fine) Also on the days when I'm singing, I take a pillow to church and lean against that during the service. To be honest, I feel like I should should do this every Sunday, as it's very comfortable!

Charity shops:
One afternoon, a friend drove me into town and I went and got a bunch of application forms from charity shops (there's a lot of them where I live) One of the shops did not give out application forms, instead you came in for a little trial run to see how you like it. So I did that and I when I got there I told someone that ideally I should be sat down. I've done it twice now and they are lovely. I'm still applying to another shop as well because I figured that more than one couldn't hurt...As long as it's not too many and I don't overdo it! I think one afternoon at one place, and one afternoon at another should be fine. I hadn't realised quite how much my confidence has been dented. I'm a friendly person and I do like people, but just approaching somebody in the charity shop was a little nervewracking. Also last week when I went to the charity shop, there were two people there who I had not met yet and I was slightly nervous about that. Once I got over that hurdle of you know, saying hi, I felt more comfortable. In fact I was slightly surprised by how easy just saying hi could be. Maybe even inappropriately surprised by how easy it was!

  CBT:
CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which basically means that a therapist helps you change your thought processes on things. I had been ignoring just quite how sad the events of the past few years have made me, but I got to a point where I couldn't. I forget when that point was but gosh did I feel sad! It just caught up with me, and I started to think to myself,"Is this my life now? I think it might be. I think this might be my life now!" I don't need to tell you that cancer is hugely traumatic. I originally typed that it was distressing, but I think that that is an understatement. It really is traumatic. It's traumatic to watch someone go through it, it's traumatic to watch someone die from it, and it's traumatic to go through it yourself. I had just got on with it, and I wanted to be Little Miss Positivity but that meant that sort of accidentally smushing down the bad feelings. It's not even just that I wanted to be Little Miss Positivity, I think part of me thought I wasn't allowed to be sad. Before I started treatment, I thought that it would all be very straightforward and fine, and over by the end of 2013. I thought it would not be the struggle that say, someone with a more aggressive cancer would go through. It hasn't been straightforward, though. There's been a lot of setbacks. A lot of complications. A body that isn't the same as it was pre-cancer. A body which will always need medication to help it compensate for the things it can't do on it's own anymore. It has been very overwhelming at times, but now I've accepted that I'm well within my rights to be upset and angry about it, I am able to reach out to people and get some help. I had to accept something was wrong before I could make it right again.

  What's happening next? 
Not a lot. Well, I have appointments with both consultants this month. I wasn't going to keep the one with the endocrine doctor because I didn't think anything there was any point in seeing both the endocrine doctor AND the consultant, but I spoke to one of the endocrine nurses recently and she said that I should keep the appointment because the doctor is always pretty busy and hard to get an appointment with. I see the consultant at St. James' towards the end of the month, and although I'm not sure if she'll have the scan results, I still feel a bit impatient. I think I've covered everything. The good news is that I am finally working on feeling better emotionally. The struggle has been 90% mental, I think, and I'm finally reaching out to people who can help me! I still want to be a positive thinker, but I think it can help, but I know now that I am allowed to feel sad.