Well, hasn't it been an interesting year?

A year that I am about to reflect on!

I really can't say whether or not it was good or bad. It was definitely up and down. Obviously I didn't do so well on the health front, but I did make new friends (some of those being acquaintances who became friends) and I got to do some fun things, like fulfilling my dream of going to Italy!

I've learned a lot, too. I think sometimes that's the best you can hope for-to learn a lesson or two. I've learned that it's really important to get things off your chest so you don't explode or implode. I've learned that it is okay to ask for help. I've learned that you have to be assertive and honest with doctors, in order to make sure they do everything possible to help you. I've learned that I can do more than I think I can.

Around the end of one year and beginning of another, I like to pick one word to focus on (and a few of my other friends do this, too) Around this time last year I had picked ONWARD because I wanted to start moving forward. However, a few months ago I changed my word to PATIENCE, and I think that will end up being my word for 2015, too. Perhaps it will be my word forever! I just know that I need patience when it comes to my health, and when it comes to my life in general because I often feel like I'm behind my peers.

As well as patient, I would like to be healthy. Or at least as healthy as possible given the circumstances! I am taking the steps to help myself. I take vitamins, I try to eat healthily (we won't talk about the amount of Pringles I've eaten this week, though) I try to do some gentle exercise each morning (I found a video on Youtube of workouts you can do if you work in an office, but they work for sufferers of fatigue, too! I jokingly call it the Lazy Girl Workout)

I think that 2015 will be a time of growth and changes...If I remember all these lessons I've learned! So, I guess it's bye-bye 2014, and hello 2015!

Well, that's over and done with

Radioiodine treatment is done and dusted! It was so boring. On the plus side I was not nearly as sick as I was last time! I felt much more in control, too. I guess I had the advantage of experience.

I had no sickness with the injections, and only a bit of queasiness from the radioiodine itself. The queasiness was remedied with some anti-sickness. I'd really psyched myself up to feel horribly ill again this time around, and I was so relieved when it wasn't nearly as bad this year as it was last year. So relieved, in fact, that I felt slightly giddy about it!

When I first went in I thought to myself, and said to a couple of people, that I would just think of the day I come out and that would get me through it. I realised after a while that this was the wrong approach. On Monday evening I had a lot of anxiety, and I just kept thinking,"Oh, this time is just going to drag on and on!" The next morning I decided that instead of thinking about the day I go home, I'd just have to take it day-by-day.

Last week I wondered it I should some kind of A Day In The Life kind of thing whilst I was in the hospital. Thought it might be a good way to show people what the process is like. Then I realised that no amount of Instagram filters could make it interesting. (Not to mention that I don't even have an Instagram account) I can, however, offer the following pieces of advice:

My first piece of advice would be to ask questions. I am STILL learning that is okay to ask questions. I keep apologising to staff for asking questions, and they all tell me that it's okay.  If you're not sure why they're going to the treatment they want to do, or what that treatment even involves, then don't be afraid to ask!

My second piece of advice would be to take things you don't care about. This sounds obvious, I'm sure, but once you come out of hospital you have to wash the clothes you brought (twice) and then stash them away for a month. Last summer when I first did this treatment, it was fine for a while because I was wearing shorts to bed. Then one night, the temperature dropped by a few degrees and I didn't know what to wear because all my pyjama bottoms were stashed away!

Third piece of advice is to get moving! This is for a couple of reasons. 1)You might get a bit restless since you can't leave your room for a walk around the building. 2)You have to go um, number two before you leave. If you're too sedentary, then your bowels won't move. My room had an exercise bike in and I really took advantage of that this week. I didn't turn it on, I just sat and pedalled (also the plug for the bike wouldn't reach any of the sockets, and no way what I was going to try to move the bike on my own)

In fact, while we're on the subject of...that region, I would also advise drinking a lot. That way you'll pee a lot, and the levels will go down faster.

I think that's it for advice. Hopefully it is useful!

As for the treatment itself, I'm not sure how it went, and I got no indication from the technician of what my scans looked like. I won't find out how well it went till I see the consultant in a few weeks. I think I did all I could to help my body take up the radioiodine, though. Oh, and I don't have to go in for a scan on my birthday, which is great!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to eat tuna melts, and talk people's ears off. Nothing new there!

Oh, life. You crazy thing.

Things get on top of me occasionally. They all come at me at once, shout,"PILE ON!" and then I'm lying underneath it all squirming.

So, I have more radioiodine treatment next week, as well as a gynaecology appointment to re-arrange, and this week I had two cysts in one of my breasts drained. So, you can see why I was ready to shriek by the end of last week.

The radioiodine treatment feels like it is just, in my way. The other day my mum asked me what I want for my birthday (which is the Monday after my treatment) and I just couldn't think of anything. Not because there's not anything I particularly want, but because I just feel like I have this flashing neon sign in my head that says,"TREATMENT". However, I was talking to my sister the other day, and she said that this treatment was like the final rinse of shampoo when you're washing your hair. You give it one final rinse, just to check that it's all gone. I hadn't thought of it that way before, and it made me feel a bit better.

I've really fallen off the no-sugar/low sugar wagon. In general my diet's been quite bad. Especially with the stress of last week. Also, I have been really bad with the radiodine, which is actually more important than just trying to avoid sugar where possible. I can't have too much dairy, but it is hard to know how much is too much. Also, I can't have tinned fish (or tinned anything, really) and today I had a tuna melt. Halfway through I remembered (I mean, the tuna melt was at Costa Coffee, but I doubt it had been freshly line caught this morning) No more! From tomorrow I will try much, much harder! My friend did point out that it probably won't make much difference, and she's right, but I just don't want to jeopardise the chances of the radioiodine working. With regard to the no sugar thing, I'm trying to get better. There is now fruit in the house, and even though I bought some biscuits yesterday, I've only had two of them. Of course, this may change at the weekend if the injections give me nausea and I need something bland to nibble on.  

The reason I have to re-arrange my gynaecology appointment is because my initial one was kind of a bust. The appointments were running about 40 minutes behind, but because of the amount of people there, that would lead to a two-hour delay. The poor nurse who was given the task of announcing this said we could re-schedule, so I went to tell her I would. I just felt like I wasn't a priority, and I could wait. Also the chairs in that waiting room were not comfortable for my poor shoulders, and I knew it'd be too exhausting to go away and come back. The BRI haven't got back to me with a new appointment date (it was only last week, to be fair), but I am looking into going to a completely different hospital to see a gynaecologist. When I come out of hospital I'm going to do a bit of research. I can't really think about it right now.

I kept a bit quiet about the cyst in my breast because I didn't really want to say anything about it till I knew what it was. Turns out, it was two cysts, but they were nothing to be concerned about and I just had them drained. Apparently I have a few mini cysts in there, but I don't need to do anything unless I feel any new lumps. I felt like the nurse lectured me on the importance of seeing a doctor as soon as I find a lump, possibly because I'd said I'd found the lump about a  month ago. I did explain though, that after I found the lump I saw a doctor almost immediately (I really wanted to speak to a woman and had to wait till a female doctor was available, so it was a few days after I found it) and she told me to have a period and then come back if the lump didn't go after that period. It might be that they tell everyone to tell a doctor as soon as they find a lump, but I still felt a bit like I was being told off. I think everyone knows by now that I am a massive advocate for telling a doctor if you think something's wrong!

Onwards and upwards, though! Got to be more disciplined with myself, forget about boob lumps and endometriosis for now, and focus on this upcoming treatment.

Being in battle

On Tuesday at the hospital, my friend (who drove me and my mum there) came into said hospital to "use the facilities" when an article on a noticeboard caught her eye. She asked the receptionist if she could have a photocopy of it in exchange for a donation.

The reason she wanted a copy of it, is because she thought I might be able to relate to the article, because is about a woman suffering from cancer and using humour as a coping mechanism-- something my friend thought I'd be able to relate to! 

I agreed with a few of her points, such as coping with the situation with lots of laughter and dark humour. She mentioned as well that you shouldn't tell someone how to feel, and that is actually something I can learn from. The amount of times I've told friends and family not to get upset about me having cancer! They can cry if they want to! She was also talking about all the exciting stuff she'd done. That got me thinking about how even though I've had to sacrifice a few things due to fatigue, I've made up for it with other opportunities. 

There was one thing I couldn't quite agree with her on. She writer of the article says that she does not like to think of it as battle, or a fight. I've heard someone else say this, too (that "someone" was actually a character in Emmerdale...Oh, shush!) I get it, but I do like to think of it as a battle. That's exactly how I like to think of it (along with the old hiking metaphor) because if the internet has taught us anything, it's that it is fun to anthropomorphise things. Usually for the internet, it's cats. For me it's cancer. It helps me to think of being in a battle with cancer, with an army of friends and family. That's the kind of thing that keeps me strong, I think. Feeling like I'm fighting something. It makes me powerful. 

Everyone's got their way of dealing with something, and I cannot say that the way she is doing is wrong, just like she could not say that the way I'm doing it is wrong. I do think, however, that cancer is a big scary beast that I need a lot of assistance in defeating! 

In the aftermath

I have had some time stew and sulk over my news yesterday. Today, I have some perspective. This time I can do things a bit differently (in fact, this afternoon I was wondering if I would even need pre-assessment since I've gone through it before. I probably will, but I'll check anyway) Last time, the radiation gave me really bad sickness and nausea, and the anti-sickness they gave me did not work. I suffered with it all day, till I realised in the evening that I shouldn't have to and asked for stronger anti-sickness medication.

Also, you can have this treatment done Thursday to Monday, or Monday to Thursday. Last year I did it Thursday to Monday, but I'm not sure I picked that...I think that was based on scheduling...I really don't remember! While Thursday to Monday is better for anyone who wants to visit but could only do it on a weekend. However, neither the consultant nor the specialist nurse are around at the weekend, so I think Monday to Thursday would be a better idea.

Last time, the DVD player didn't work, so I'm hoping they've fixed it now. Or got a new one. I found a very intriguing DVD in a cupboard in the room, it was a film starring Rob Lowe and Neil Patrick Harris, and I want to watch it!

There's a few more things I could list that I would want to do differently, but I think you get the idea! I'm still not happy that I have to go through with it (does anybody jump for joy at cancer treatment?) It's just not the big, unknown...monster that it was last time. Also, I know that they think this is the best course of action, and they're doing it because they don't want to put me through surgery or external radiotherapy. So thinking of it that way makes it a bit easier to come to terms with it. I can't escape this, but I can try to make things a bit easier for myself.

Summing up this morning in one word: UGH!

I should probably explain why that word sums up my morning. See, I went to see the consultant at St. James about having more radioiodine treatment. Now, when I read the letter which said I would be having more radioiodine treatment, I assumed that I would take the radioiodine and then go home. I made that assumption because I didn't think the dosage would be as huge as it was last June, and there'd be no need to stay in hospital. I'm not sure why I thought that, but I did. I was very wrong, indeed! 

The scans showed up some abnormal nodes, and the three options for fixing these abnormal nodes are: surgery, external radiotherapy, and radioiodine. Surgery is too risky, as it is right along a nerve and could damage my voice, and external radiotherapy has too many long-term side effects. So the only real option is radio The consultant explained it all really well, and I didn't come out of their feeling like I had even more questions like I have did when I spoke to that doctor on April 1st! It seemed much more organised this time. 

So I get why they want to do this particular treatment, I just don't want to go through with it. The specialist nurse took me to her office afterwards (she'd been sitting in on the consultation) and I just started crying. The nurse was very kind and understanding, and she tried to reassure me that things could be different this time around, because I know what to expect. I agreed, but I'm not frightened. Just fed up with it all. I feel like I'm working hard to get better, and I feel mostly okay, so why is it not over yet? I actually ended up going off on a massive tangent about all the health-related problems I've been having this summer, and she's referring me for counselling so I can offload on somebody else who's a bit more qualified to help me through it! 

I don't know when I'm going in for treatment. That hasn't been organised yet. They said mid-October, and I told them my birthday is early November so I really didn't want to have treatment then! I just hope they get back to me quickly with a date! 

Things that happened in the space of a few days

This could also be called,"Pesky Calcium: Part Whatever Number We're On Now" because it got too high this week! It's been a long time since that has happened. See, when I came back from Italy I had a blood test to check my calcium, and the results for that were 2.33. This is is fine, but because my body struggles to regulate calcium, I knew it would just keep climbing. So when I was feeling nauseated last week, I thought to myself,"This is a calcium thing" and arranged a blood test. I got the results the next day, and just as I thought, the levels were too high. I'm now on a lower dosage of both my calcium medications (I take slightly less calcichews, yay!) I'm due back in next week for another blood test to see if it's come down. The nausea has passed though, so that's good.

It just ruined most of my plans. It was particularly bad on Saturday, when I had been planning to go to an open day for a local community choir, but I just couldn't do it. Mind you, it was raining that day, and I had forgotten what time the event started, so I suppose it was just as well that I didn't feel like going. Then I started to get worried that I would miss my friend's gig on the Sunday evening, but thankfully I felt much better on Sunday.

As for the ongoing saga on the PET scan, I actually got some answers! I received a letter from the consultant at St. James's, which said that she wanted me to come in on the 23rd of this month to discuss the results. I wanted to be relieved by that, but instead I still felt a bit frustrated. I would still have to wait to find out exactly what was going on! On Saturday however, I received another letter from that same consultant, who said that she felt that more radioiodine was the best course of action, and that is what she wanted on to discuss at this appointment. That letter made me feel a bit better, and like I finally knew what was going on. I just feel like I have found out everything in drips and drabs. At least some of the mystery's been taken out of it, and I'm thankful that I have the specialist nurse on my side who will go do some detective work for me and find out what is going on.

So I feel like a lot has happened over the course of a few days. Even though some plans were scuppered (new favourite word) I still got to see my friend's gig, and I don't need surgery! That, and my appetite has come roaring back! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to celebrate these little victories with some cereal.